Situationships and modern dating go hand-in-hand. First there was Carrie and Big. And then Taylor Swift *allegedly* wrote almost an entire album about a decade long on-and-off flirtation. American candy brand Sweethearts even launched a Situationship edition of its famous heart-shaped lollies, complete with the tagline “Messages as blurry as your relationship.” But it’s breakout pop singer Chappell Roan who has captured the mood of many lovelorne daters with the lyrics of her angsty rock ballad ‘Casual’ from the 2023 album The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess. TikTok has exploded with videos using the sound, as users ask “was it casual when…” and then share their gut-wrenching experiences and stories about not-quite-together situations.
In the era of casual dating, the grey area between love (or lust) and simply having a good time can lead to hurt feelings and anxious minds. Situationships can sometimes be even more heartbreaking than committed relationships because of a lack of clarity and mismatched expectations.
What Is a Situationship?
Relationship counsellor, sex therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie sees a situationship as a relationship with really unclear boundaries. “You’re seeing each other but you’re not quite sure if it’s exclusive … maybe one person is wanting to move things along but the other isn’t totally committing,” she shares.
Often situationships simply come down to a lack of communication about emotions. But a willingness (or lack-there-of) to commit is part of it, too. All the hallmarks of a relationship might be present: you’re texting most days, meeting their friends and sharing intimate moments. But there’s a distinct lack of planning or prospects for a future together.
You might be giving the girlfriend or boyfriend experience but not necessarily receiving the same attention and care back. Situationships that are rooted in friendship and shared interests can make lines even more blurry if things don’t go the way you hoped.
Signs You're In a Situationship
Situationships differ to friends-with-benefits because there’s a certain level of emotional involvement. If you have a f*** buddy agreement, chances are you’ve discussed the fact that you’re not looking for a relationship and you simply want no-strings-attached sex.
Situationships often start eerily similar to relationships. The early days of dating might be filled with similar questions, emotions and anxieties. But the difference is when boundaries are—or aren’t—set.
Inconsistent communication, continuously unmet expectations and a lack of definition are some of the biggest signs that you’re in a situationship.
Pros & Cons Of Being In a Situationship
“In any type of relationship, clear agreements and boundaries are so important,” McKimmie says. “Remember to be mindful of your feelings and the other person’s feelings. And don’t be afraid to ask for your needs to be met”.
The benefits of a more casual dating dynamic is that it can provide the opportunity to get to know someone without the pressure. When you take away labels and expectations, some people feel more comfortable and free to explore the relationship.
When two people align on their expectations of a relationship—even if it falls into the category of a situationship—it can be ok.
One of the big cons of situationships is when they drag on for too long with no definition. Especially if one or both parties involved have wildly different ideas about what they want from the partnership.
When You Should End a Situationship (& How To Do It)
If you find yourself wanting clarity about your relationship dynamic, it’s time to start a conversation. This can be tricky or awkward but McKimmie says it’s important to be honest with yourself and work out if what you want aligns with the other person. “You could open things up by saying ‘Here’s how I’m feeling’ or ‘I’m wondering where you’re at…’ and take it from there,” she says.
Things can get toxic if the person you’re dating says they want the same things but doesn’t follow through with their actions. Even (and possibly especially) if you’re having big emotions for someone, it might be time to end the relationship if you’re not able to find the clarity, consistency and calm that you want.
“We can sometimes privilege the idea that it’s better to be casual and not needy but the reality is that we all have needs,” McKimmie shares. “It’s ok to need to know where the other person is at”.
